Talking To Myself

I have been known to, from time to time, talk to myself.  Ok, I talk to myself daily, many times a day.  I give myself positive feedback, praise, scoldings (when needed), and make myself laugh.  I like myself and I do not see anything wrong with talking to myself.  My co-workers, however, will say, "Debbie's talking to herself again"; this makes me smile but I'm not sure why.  I kind of like being the weird one in the office; I do different well.

I have been a self-talker for as long as I remember.  I believe it to be a strong quality of self assurance that as enabled me to problem solve throughout my life.  I have talked myself through times of extreme grief and over-the-top stressful situations.  I have told myself to stop dwelling on past events that have caused me regret and remorse.  I have spent a considerable amount of time explaining to myself why something is or is not a logical decision.  I have stopped myself from falling prey to whatever BS somebody might spew by telling myself, out loud, "Leave it alone Debbie".  I have complimented myself when I achieve a goal or complete a difficult task.  I will often, and I mean often, talk myself through an everyday task at work to ensure I do not become too complacent and miss an important detail.  I talk to myself a lot and I listen to myself a lot.

You see, your heart and emotions will sometimes cause you to do or say things that your brain knows better than to do or say.  When I talk to myself, it is my brain self that does the talking because the emotion and heart self can't be trusted.  My brain self is calm, logical, and damn smart.  My emotion and heart self is often just plain stupid.  Thankfully, over the years, my brain self has become the strongest of the selves and will almost always get me or keep me out of trouble.  With exception to the self-tanning lotion I used a few years back that turned me a brilliant shade of orange and lasted way longer than it should have.  My brain self still laughs at me about that and is often one of its strongest logical points as to why I should always listen to it.

Aside from talking to myself, another quirky turret-type behavior I have is to break out in song at any given moment.  I have this uncanny ability, from any conversation, to pick up lyrics from any song ever recorded and then blurt them out, in song and in perfect tune.  It is an impulsive and, to be honest, impressive quality I have grown to love about myself.  Don't think I haven't noticed the strange looks I get from others when this happens; I know it's weird but it is also fabulous and I am sure, by the time I reach the full onset of dementia, I will spend 80% of my time singing one song or another.  Dang, it will be awesome to be 90 years old and break into "Who Let The Dogs Out", "Baby Got Back", or "Purple Rain".

Life is seriously difficult so much of the time.  We all walk a fine line between sanity and the edge of insanity.  Sometimes, some of us, step over the line, just for fun.  I call these my moments of pure delight when I let go of inhibitions and social norms and just be a human dancing close to the fire and enjoying it for all it is.  As I get older, that fire has become ever-so-comforting and I find myself tinged, smokey, and happily exhausted by the dance.  I hope you dance.

The Breaking

She cuts all alone just to quiet the demons that try bending her mind till it breaks

She's wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer so no one will notice her pain

And with every drop the pain almost stops and she almost feels normal again.

But she knows it won't last, it always comes back. She knows it will never end.

He's socially awkward with nothing in common with anyone he's ever known

His own private hell is the world that he lives in that he has to walk through alone

Every day he considers the ways that he could make it all end.

It's a matter of time before he makes up his mind, to never wake up again.

Chorus:

They're broken and they're waiting for someone to silence the pain.

And they live their lives, one beat at a time, wrapped in a blanket of shame.

viewing the world through a lens that's distorted so nothing can ever make sense.

the truth becomes lies and their lies are what saves them from ending it all.

At 16 years old he came out to his parents and that's when the breaking began

His father called him a fag and a queer; his mother could not understand.

They got in his head with the things that they said and they tried to pray it away

They broke him that night, oh what a price..their only son had to pay

Listen to the song I wrote for mental illness awareness 


My passion in life is to bring more awareness to mental illness; especially among children and adolescents.  I want people/society to stop considering it as deviance and start realizing how mental illness should not be treated any differently than other medical conditions.

One of the major stumbling blocks we find as clinicians is removing the shame from mental illness.  Patients tend to want to hide their illnesses and don't seek help because they are ashamed of it.  This has to end.  We, in society, need to make sure every person seeks and receives the help they need.

You can help that process by sharing this blog to highlight the struggles so many go through.  Thank you.

Things That Drive Me Crazy

One thing I have discovered is that the older I get, my list of pet peeves grows longer.  Things I once tolerated are now fair game for my WTH look.  I fear that with each year that passes, my filter will betray me and I will no longer be able to stop my brain from transforming my thoughts into actual words that spew from my mouth without restraint.  Perhaps that is the beauty of getting old; you can finally say the things you've always wanted to say but are too polite to say them.  Politeness becomes over-rated in the golden years.  I suppose we know we only have so much time left to finally rid our souls of the words we've held in all these years so we might as well start letting them go.

The following are some, but not all, of the things that drive me nuts.

People who are habitually late.  When people are habitually late, that lateness becomes their "on time".  Stop it...please.  Don't be late just because you know people know you are always late and that makes it alright because that's just how you are.  No, it isn't alright and we don't like it but we like you so we don't say anything...except when we say something in a passive aggressive way and you just laugh and think we are kidding.  No.  We are not kidding.  We do not like your tardiness.

Phone conversations in public.  There is a difference between talking on the phone in public and having conversations in public.  You should not be discussing your sex life, your bodily functions, your arguments, your appointments with your doctor, your hemorrhoids, or any other extremely private issues while standing in line at Wal Mart.  For the love of all that is good, shut the hell up while I am standing less than 4 feet behind you in a line that is moving slower than a sloth.  I have talked on my phone in public but it is always quick and casual.  Even worse, is somebody talking on a blue-tooth earpiece.  You catch their eye and they say something and you walk up to them and say, "excuse me, I didn't hear you" and they don't even say "I'm sorry, I was talking on the phone"; they point at their ear and look at you like YOU just invaded their privacy.  Now that is one of those occasions that eventually my filter will fail and I will blurt out some type of obscenity while extending my middle finger.  Yep, that will do it.

Using the last of anything and not replacing it.  Anything that can be replaced and the replaceable part is there, replace it.  It's easy...takes a few seconds and everybody is happy.  My co-workers know that this is a pet peeve of mine; I leave notes reminding them. We've all been there; the empty roll of toilet paper staring at us as we are at our most vulnerable times.  Oh, and don't get me started about those who get a new roll of toilet paper but are too lazy to actually put it on the roller.  For cry'en out loud, you're sitting there, with nothing to do until you are done.  Is it too much to ask to just take the 15 seconds it takes to put it on the roller?  And make sure you put it on so the paper falls over the roll, not under.  I will also change this in anybody's house if it is put on wrong.

Sweeping while I eat.  There is nothing more rude than eating out and somebody starts sweeping the floor or carpet beside where you are eating.  Disgusting actually.  I have, more than once, asked them not to sweep until I leave.  Most of the time I can see them coming and I'll give them the look while shaking my head "no" and they will scurry away.  Should they not be sensitive to my body language, I will politely ask them not to sweep until I am done.  Should they ignore both clues, I will eat free that night and get a gift card for my next meal.  As I get older, I am sure that my subtle body language and politeness will give way to blunt honesty.  I almost can't wait until I can get away with that.

Phone solicitors.  I really don't care what cause or item they are trying to sell; they are annoying and disrespectful and I have no use for them what-so-ever.  There was a time when we could have some fun with phone solicitors.  There was a time when they could not hang up, no matter what, unless we hung up first.  Those were the times when you could ask them to hold on for a second, put the phone down, go watch a movie and come back to find them still there.  There was a time when I asked one if he liked the music by The Eagles and he said "Yes".  I asked him to hold on and I proceeded to play the Greatest Hits album.  Good times!  But now, they aren't any fun.  Now they ro-bo dial or even worse, they ro-bo dial and then the solicitor is a recording.  Those are the worse.  The worst of the worse are the ro-bo dialed, recordings that tell you to call them back because they "really want to talk to you".  Yeah, I'll do that right after I fly to Paris for brunch, you morons.

Nose secretions.  I have had babies.  I can deal with poop, puke, pee and blood.  I cannot deal with any form of snot or the conjuring up of said snot and that disgusting noise people make when they are trying to conjure up that snot.  As I type this my gag reflex is in full mode.  I will come completely undone if somebody blows their nose anywhere within ear-shot of me.  If, by some unseen demonic force, I am standing within eyesight and said person blows said nose and then opens the tissue to view the prize, I will, without any ability to control it, projectile vomit.  The same response will follow if I hear somebody conjure up a luggie and then spit it out.  All you tobacco chewing, dip dipping people, please be respectful of all those who have a low threshold for anything spit or snot related.  If you spit into a bottle, please cover that bottle so the spit can't be seen or (gag) mistake it for the actual cola drink they might be drinking at the time.  Do not spit into cups that can get tipped over.  Do not spit on sidewalks.  Do not discard your used cud of tobacco on the sidewalk or sink or anywhere I might happen to come across it.

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I could go on but I think you get the point.  We all have those things that get under our skin and make us want to run screaming into the night, pulling our hair out.  We learn to tolerate most things but we all have those one or two things that we cannot ignore no matter how hard we try.  Then we get old...really old and we get to throw away our filters and just blissfully spill our thoughts out of our mouth to make up for all the times we were too polite to say anything.

My Longest, Truest, and Dearest Friend

When our friendship began, I was rather needy.  I demanded so much of her time and she lovingly appeased my demands.  She was always there, night and day, unconditionally loving me; even when I could give nothing in return.

I wasn't her only friend; she had others before me and then added another after me, even though I was to be her last friend.  I had a lot of her attention for nine years until he came along.  It was alright though; I kind of enjoyed having him around although there were times he could be even more needy than I was.  

We enjoyed looking through old pictures and I had a hard time imagining her so young and carefree.  I just assumed she was always the way she was when I first met her.  

As time passed, we sometimes drifted apart.  I had my young and wild opinions and hers didn't quite fit with mine.  Still, I would look at pictures and be reminded that once, she was young, like myself, and she probably understood my restlessness.

More time passed and more friends came into the picture.  This is when our friendship really got stronger.  I was more like her than ever before; raising my own friends and trying to make my way in this world.  Throughout all the years, when we drifted and came back together, she always loved me unconditionally, without fail.  It was that quiet, patient love that was always there waiting for me to come back around.

As you have guessed, my life-long friend, whom I've known for 54 years, is my mother.  Her strength can not be measured by any tool known to man.  She has endured great heartache that no mother should have to endure.  She has cooked thousands of meals to feed hundreds of people and still, today, will open her dinner table to any who wish to share a meal.

I am, who I am because of who she is.  I am fortunate to be able to spend every day with her and to be here for her as she was for me.  I will gladly and unconditionally do anything I can do to make sure she always knows how much I love her.

Happy Mother's Day Mom...I love you

Dating 4.0

I consider myself the romantic type.  However, my track record for romantic relationships is pretty sad.  I see people celebrating their 10th anniversaries and I shamefully hang my head knowing that all three of my marriages, combined, did not add up to 10 years.  My last long-term relationship ended three years ago and since then, I have labeled myself "undateable".  I just don't think I have the stamina to go through the whole dating process.  If I could meet a man, fall in love, and go straight into the "comfortable" zone within the first week, I might be able to maintain a relationship.  

To say that I am set in my ways is probably an understatement.  At this point in my life, I am more excited about my new car than I am about a new relationship.  My new car doesn't require me to shave my legs; especially the upper legs; the area I like to call "the no fly zone".  There is just too much work involved in meeting potential romantic counter-parts.  I truly don't even know where to start in the search for this fictional "love-of-my-life".  

Online dating leaves me frustrated.  I've watched too many episodes of Catfish to ever be really comfortable with online romance.  Every time I start a conversation with a man on a dating site, I have visions of a confused, low self-esteemed, teenager getting his or her kicks out of baiting the hook and reeling me in. Fish on! Fish on! 

Let's be real here.  Men and women have polar differences when it comes to hormonal changes in their middle age.  Women have vast decreases in estrogen, throwing us into that glorious time in our lives called menopause.  I call it my men-on-pause phase of life and thus the reason I am not running around frantic to find a mate.  Men, on the other hand, seem to have an increase or, at the very least, are able to maintain a sustainable measure of testosterone as they head through middle age.  This is why men buy sports cars and get hair plugs at this time of their lives and women stop shaving their legs or caring if they have a three week old mustache going on under their nose.  Men get to have an exciting, fun mid-life crisis while my mid-life crisis, in stark contrast, consisted of the onset of powerful hot flashes and the increase of whisker stubble.  Men tend to have a surge or at the very least, a normal  sex drive.  I, on the other hand, am more excited by an episode of The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones than I am by the prospect of a sexual encounter.  

My friends asked me what are my requirements for a potential dating situation.  It's funny how these so-called requirements change as we go through the different stages of our lives.  When we are young, we seek young, strong, good-looking, rich men.  In our 30's we seek stable, responsible, professional men and pay less attention to looks.  In my stage of life, the requirements become more complex.  

I need romance.  I don't mean flowers and candy and gifts.  I mean I want love notes, back rubs, foot rubs, and just the simple pleasures in life.  

I need my space.  I love to snuggle but when I sleep, please don't smoother me.  I am not the type to want to spoon throughout the night.  When I am ready to sleep, I require having enough space to flip-flop without restrictions.  

I require intelligent conversations in which I can state my opinion without having it vetoed by his differing opinion.  If he is threatened by an intelligent, strong-willed, independent woman, I am not somebody he wants to date.  

He has to understand my priorities from the get-go.  My family comes first.  I won't sacrifice my time with my kids, grand kids, and immediate family.  This requirement alone is likely the deal-breaker for most men I might be interested in dating or whom might be interested in dating me.  

I do not drink alcoholic beverages.  I don't mind if he does but I will not put up with a slobbering, stumbling, mean, loud, obnoxious, falling-down drunk.  I will allow for two, possibly three celebratory benders a year but do not expect me to undress you and put you to bed or take care of you when you have a hang-over the next day.  Do not call, text, or email me drunk.  I have a very low tolerance for juvenile behavior when the behavior is coming from a grown man.  

I don't do jealousy.  Period.

I don't do stalking.  Period.

I don't do one-night-stands.  Period.  Usually.

The man I date must be a Walking Dead fan and it would help if he is a Game of Thrones fan as well.  I'll give a little wiggle room on this; he doesn't have to watch these shows but he cannot belittle me in any way just because I watch them.  Strangely, this is really important to me.  The fact is, common interests are one of the stronger aspects of a solid relationship.  Sometimes opposites attract, but very seldom to do those relationships stand the test of time.  Usually once the initial period of unbridled lust  cools off and they have to actually talk about real stuff, they find they don't have enough in common to continue the relationship.    

As I read through this daunting list of requirements (all of which have yet to be listed) I realize it is virtually impossible to believe there is somebody who would measure up.  Perhaps my requirements are just my safety net that keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone.  Perhaps I have sabotaged my own potential love life by making this perfect mate so elusive I have no hopes of ever finding him.  He is, in fact, the unicorn of romantic interests. He only exists in movies, romance novels, and internet dating sites.  

I don't have to have a boyfriend; I am completely fulfilled with my life just the way it is.  You see, I learned a long time ago that if you are looking for a person to complete you, you will never find that person.  No person should ever complete you; you should feel complete and satisfied with life just as you are.  A person should add to your life; enhance it and make it better but never expect somebody to complete you if you do not feel complete on your own.

I am complete.

Super Dad

This is my brother Rob and his six year old son, Curtis.  Today we celebrated Curtis' birthday and his one big wish was for his dad to wear a Super Man outfit like his.  He not only wore the outfit, he went into Pizza Hut to pick up the pizza for the party.  Curtis was one very happy little boy and I am one very proud sister seeing to what lengths my brother would go to make sure his boy is happy. Curtis probably won't remember what else he got today but I can 100% guarantee he will never  forget that his dad wore a Super Man costume for him.  NEVER

Family really is everything.  When the chips are down...when you are on your last strike...when the waves are about to sink your boat (have I used enough analogies yet?) family is your life-line to save your butt.

I come from a very close family and all the men in our family are strong, loving, gentle, and affectionate fathers.  They put their kids above all else.  (The women are just as wonderful mothers, but that post is being saved for next week). I suppose that comes from the strong foundation my father has laid and has been the most positive role model for all the men in this family.

Being a father is the most important thing a man will ever do.  Far too many take it for granted or don't want to take the time to do what is right for the child.  They allow work or pride or whatever get in the way of showing those children what it means to be selfless.  The legal system tends to put fathers last when it comes to custody, child support, visitation, and parental rights.  Not all fathers are dead-beats trying to dodge their responsibilities.  But far too many times, the courts side with the mothers even when fathers are just as capable and responsible.  Sometimes, it seems, the courts stereo-type all fathers based upon the actions of some.  I've seen it happen time and time again and feel it is time the scales become more equal.

That is not where I was planning to go with this, but the words fell and I think they needed to be said.

But don't let me distract you from the initial point of this piece; my brother is a hero; a super hero for sure.  Those are the things that make the difference in a kids' life; not what you can buy them but what you can do for them to show how much you love them.

Ya Don't Say!

me in public

I must admit; I not only listen to other peoples' conversations in public spaces, I actively seek them out.  It is my human curiosity that drives me to discover how people communicate with each other.  Whether they are face-to-face conversations or over the phone, if you are in public space, your "private" conversation is fair game for an extra set of ears.  

After all these years one would think I would not be shocked with what I hear in public but amazingly, I can still be taken a-back with how people talk and what they say.  The unfortunate truth that I have discovered is that it is more common for people to talk negatively to or about each other and very rare to hear positive, loving conversations.  I have actually followed [stalked] couples around stores, as they argue, to witness how far and long they will continue to argue in public.  Almost always these arguments are over stupid, unimportant things such as size of detergent they purchase, what to have for dinner that night, and various other insignificant reasons to argue.  Certainly, the root of the issue is not detergent or dinner; those things are just the salt that reopens the wounds that have yet to be healed.  

Is it wrong for me to listen in on these conversations in public spaces?  Maybe it is a rude but I don't think it is wrong.  I am not a mind-your-own-business kind of person.  The problem with convo-stalking for a person like me is keeping my mouth shut.  The lines are a bit blurred when it comes to listening in but stepping in on private discussions is crossing the lines unless.....................yeah, there is always that "unless".  I have said something when somebody has called somebody else a name that is degrading or racist; especially if children are involved.  I have said something when it looked like the argument might escalate into something physical.  I have said something when young children are watching as the argument continues.  I don't stop and join the conversation; I just drop quick bombs of simple advice as I walk on by.  "Your kids are watching", "Is it worth all this?", "Forgiving is easy"; simple things to remind them they are in public and to cut it the hell out.

All the conversations are not negative.  I have heard enough loving, funny, and easy-going conversations to let me know there is still hope for the Human race.  It is always nice to hear couples truly interacting with each other in happy and positive ways; especially when their children watch.  Which brings me to the point of all this: How you behave, how you interact, how you handle this world is how your children or other children will do the same.  They learn from what they hear and see.  Teaching your children how to have positive interactions with others is likely the most important lesson you can give them.  Making it in this world hinges on how we can interact with other humans.  We can no longer just exist together; we must be able to co-exist happily or, at the very least, be able to reconcile our differences in positive and mature fashion.